Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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