I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
