yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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