Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
