I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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