tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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