cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
it's not cheating when I paid for it
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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