I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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