You don't have asthma, your pregnant
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
