going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
