My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
