New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
