new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
