my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
