My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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