fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
