Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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