Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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