If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Barsexuality is the new black.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
