you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
