I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize