Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
