i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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