your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
they're like a gay fantastic four
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Randomize
