I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
