I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
