Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
