Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
