My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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