operation harelip BJ is a go
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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