so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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