Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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