On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
