Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
