listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
