Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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