so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
