I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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