you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
