is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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