Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
