Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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