There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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