glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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