i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
