my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
