Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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