break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The struggles of a small town man whore
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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