I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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