Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Randomize
