Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
