he thought i was a dude.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
