god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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