If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She told me I should be a condom model.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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