We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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