I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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