so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
