Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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