I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Let's paint friendship bongs
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
