I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
