I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
