Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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